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pandora_parrotThe inexorable march of time stumbles forward, slowly consuming the days and months of my life.
Patience is the only method by which anything can be achieved. Patience, perseverance, and focus. Be too broad, or expect results too quickly, and you fail.
I can climb challenging rock walls because I have been working at it for 3 months now. I can play new songs on the Piano because I have been practicing them for 3 months. I can cook delicious food because I've been doing so for 2 and a half years.
But I want more. I want to know more. Do more. Accomplish more. I want to broaden my knowledge. Generate more creations. Make. Build. Create. Make more interesting foods. Build a robot. Make my own clothing. Write more programs. Compose music. Climb mountains.
I grew up unable to accomplish things and build skills. Maybe it was because I was too depressed. Maybe it was because I had no one to share my skills with. Maybe it was because I was afraid of screwing up. I don't really know. Whenever I would see someone doing something that I wanted to learn to do, I just thought, "I need to learn how to do that some day." But I would never act on it, or if I did, I never could stick to it.
I've tried learning the piano in the past, accomplishing more personal coding projects, knitting. I never really stuck with most of it. Or I would just poke at it every now and then.
I never made my own food. I never knew how to fix my own clothes. I was never physically active nor capable of doing anything physically active. Frankly, my childhood consisted of little more than hiding inside fantasy books and video games, trying desperately to stay away from the painful reality around me. Except within the context of school, I never really created or accomplished anything that I find valuable, with few exceptions.
This fact frustrates me. Because time is marching forward. I lack so many skills that I could have developed back then. So many accomplishments that I never made. And even though I've changed that pattern and am moving my life in a new direction, there's just so much to learn and do that I could ALREADY have done. It kinda makes me sick at times, really...
There's something about having skills that is very important to me. And it is actually the simplest things that really amaze me. When I first used needle and thread to repair a hole in a skirt of mine, it filled me with so much joy. When I made my first pot of soup, I was ecstatic. When I solved the Rubik's cube using the little cheat sheet that came with it, I was delighted. When I hung upside down on the monkey bars the other night, I was overwhelmed with satisfaction. And on and on. Such simple little tasks that I never could do before, that I can do now. Each time, I feel like I am railing against some enemy or voice that existed in my past, and I am crying out to the world that I AM capable. I CAN do things. I AM skilled!
So much of it comes from simply putting myself out there and trying. Other bits of it come from having encouragement and inspiration from friends. Other bits of it come from being less depressed than I used to be.
The friends thing is rather important. I didn't really know other people that shared my personal interests until I began transition. Either I didn't know them, or I didn't know how to relate to them. I was, in many ways, completely alone. Whatever the case, I now have people in my life that I can go to for advice, encouragement, support, and inspiration when it comes to the things I love. I've asked for help with programming, building a web server, planting a garden, fixing my clothing, cooking food, climbing rocks, etc. etc. I have a social network to push on to help me accomplish the things I want to do.
But I still want to be faster at this. There are not enough hours in the day, and too many things I want to learn. Arts and crafts were always something I longingly wished to be able to do, and I treasured my one art class that I had back in school, where I made ceramic bowls, sculptures, and similar things. Music was a delight in my life, and I always hoped to go back to it at some point. I've always wanted to write more code. I am fascinated by the idea of going on long hikes in the middle of nowhere.
I write about this thing from time to time... this painful nature of time and the way I feel like it has swallowed much of my past. I have spoken often of how I feel like my life started just a few years ago. On so many levels. I want to cry sometimes, thinking of how much time I lost, hiding away in my fantasy worlds, running away from this reality. Some days, it threatens to engulf me in its black sorrow.
But there is no going back and fixing things. No time machine or magic lamp that will change what has happened. I can only change the future, and I can only change it at the pace I can change it at. I can only do so many things at any one time.
In time, I will be able to do more of the things I always dreamt of doing. I just need patience, perseverance, and focus.
Patience is the only method by which anything can be achieved. Patience, perseverance, and focus. Be too broad, or expect results too quickly, and you fail.
I can climb challenging rock walls because I have been working at it for 3 months now. I can play new songs on the Piano because I have been practicing them for 3 months. I can cook delicious food because I've been doing so for 2 and a half years.
But I want more. I want to know more. Do more. Accomplish more. I want to broaden my knowledge. Generate more creations. Make. Build. Create. Make more interesting foods. Build a robot. Make my own clothing. Write more programs. Compose music. Climb mountains.
I grew up unable to accomplish things and build skills. Maybe it was because I was too depressed. Maybe it was because I had no one to share my skills with. Maybe it was because I was afraid of screwing up. I don't really know. Whenever I would see someone doing something that I wanted to learn to do, I just thought, "I need to learn how to do that some day." But I would never act on it, or if I did, I never could stick to it.
I've tried learning the piano in the past, accomplishing more personal coding projects, knitting. I never really stuck with most of it. Or I would just poke at it every now and then.
I never made my own food. I never knew how to fix my own clothes. I was never physically active nor capable of doing anything physically active. Frankly, my childhood consisted of little more than hiding inside fantasy books and video games, trying desperately to stay away from the painful reality around me. Except within the context of school, I never really created or accomplished anything that I find valuable, with few exceptions.
This fact frustrates me. Because time is marching forward. I lack so many skills that I could have developed back then. So many accomplishments that I never made. And even though I've changed that pattern and am moving my life in a new direction, there's just so much to learn and do that I could ALREADY have done. It kinda makes me sick at times, really...
There's something about having skills that is very important to me. And it is actually the simplest things that really amaze me. When I first used needle and thread to repair a hole in a skirt of mine, it filled me with so much joy. When I made my first pot of soup, I was ecstatic. When I solved the Rubik's cube using the little cheat sheet that came with it, I was delighted. When I hung upside down on the monkey bars the other night, I was overwhelmed with satisfaction. And on and on. Such simple little tasks that I never could do before, that I can do now. Each time, I feel like I am railing against some enemy or voice that existed in my past, and I am crying out to the world that I AM capable. I CAN do things. I AM skilled!
So much of it comes from simply putting myself out there and trying. Other bits of it come from having encouragement and inspiration from friends. Other bits of it come from being less depressed than I used to be.
The friends thing is rather important. I didn't really know other people that shared my personal interests until I began transition. Either I didn't know them, or I didn't know how to relate to them. I was, in many ways, completely alone. Whatever the case, I now have people in my life that I can go to for advice, encouragement, support, and inspiration when it comes to the things I love. I've asked for help with programming, building a web server, planting a garden, fixing my clothing, cooking food, climbing rocks, etc. etc. I have a social network to push on to help me accomplish the things I want to do.
But I still want to be faster at this. There are not enough hours in the day, and too many things I want to learn. Arts and crafts were always something I longingly wished to be able to do, and I treasured my one art class that I had back in school, where I made ceramic bowls, sculptures, and similar things. Music was a delight in my life, and I always hoped to go back to it at some point. I've always wanted to write more code. I am fascinated by the idea of going on long hikes in the middle of nowhere.
I write about this thing from time to time... this painful nature of time and the way I feel like it has swallowed much of my past. I have spoken often of how I feel like my life started just a few years ago. On so many levels. I want to cry sometimes, thinking of how much time I lost, hiding away in my fantasy worlds, running away from this reality. Some days, it threatens to engulf me in its black sorrow.
But there is no going back and fixing things. No time machine or magic lamp that will change what has happened. I can only change the future, and I can only change it at the pace I can change it at. I can only do so many things at any one time.
In time, I will be able to do more of the things I always dreamt of doing. I just need patience, perseverance, and focus.
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no subject
Date: 2009-02-25 05:58 am (UTC)actions are actions and stillness is stillness
and believe it or not it is so hard to tell the difference at times
Just the wanting and desire to do new things
to achieve
to reach
makes you a very special person, as most don't.
Don't ever be afraid of falling failing or not being good enough
Don't let other stop you or make you feel self-conscious
Be yourself always
Enjoy yourself and others always
dance, cry, write and sing
travel don't respect boundaries
rain and shine you must grow
and most importantly
enjoy yourself as you only got one life to live.
You are a special person, with a great energy and charisma, don't fixate on the lack of moving forward but instead move forward, do the things you want to do and... uh... damn the torpedos
no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 11:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-26 08:26 am (UTC)Well, still looking. Because we are determined, even if quietly or slowly.
no subject
Date: 2009-02-27 11:50 pm (UTC)I am sorry for that. I wish you could come here and hang out with us. :-/
it is less pleasant when there is no option to break that solitude, when even if you wish to share something beautiful or wonderful or fun with someone, there is no one around who cares.
I know that feeling. I'm sorry. *hugs*