Are you manic?

[pandora_parrot]

My boss turned to me and asked me that today.

It's an interesting question.

I'm a very very happy and excited person. I get so excited by all the little things around me. I think it stuns people.

Tonight, as my boss drove me back to the hotel from the I sat there talking about how incredible it was to be around so many brilliant software engineers and geeks. How beautiful the weather here is. How much I love my job. All of that. That's what prompted the question about being manic.

I'm just really happy, and how can I explain that to him? How can I explain that the party tonight was the first time that I have ever worn a dress in my life. How can I explain how exciting it is to go into the bathroom with other women and be accepted as one of them? How can I explain being able to talk to a female coworker about being the only other female engineer in the company? How do I explain how awesome it is to meet mathematicians that have done work in really cool areas of pure mathematics and talk to them on the same level as them? How can I explain how neat it is to be read as a geek by a coworker, and have him be impressed that I carry a bag of dice with me in my purse? How awesome it is that people are impressed by the wide array of electronic gadgetry I carry around in my purse? How incredible it is to be paid an actually reasonable amount of money for the skills I have? How awesome it is that *I* have *breasts*? How awesome it is to see my name on a placard written as "Joyce."

How do I explain that I've never had these things? My last job hurt me every single day because it required me to pretend to be someone I was not. I was paid chump change for the privilege of being subjected to this. I have always been the lone geek, the lone nerd, the one math nut... I never actually got to share my love of physics, board games, math... all that stuff, except with one or two other people, infrequently, throughout my entire life up to this point. That I never wore a dress before. That I have always lived in the same place, barely ever even leaving the state? That I didn't used to have breasts? That I used to go by a different name?

I'm ecstatic about every second of life, precisely because it is so beautiful and precious to me. Every moment, both happy and sad, is absolutely incredible. I have gone from being unable to really experience my emotions, to being immersed in them. Going to an incredible job, making decent money, as my own gender, around people that respect me and cherish me... being able to go home to friends and lovers that adore me for all of my crazy geeky weirdnesses.

There are not words to explain how wonderful all of this is. How wonderful it is to live each moment. How incredibly incredibly happy I am all the time simply because, for the first time in my life, I am truly and completely ALIVE.

Comments

[soquili-gitli.livejournal.com]

Being alive is enough to make most people think one manic, especially in a world where most people are not truly alive.

Most people just survive.

[chirik.livejournal.com]

Chalk me up under the 'barely surviving' category.

Occasionally my eyes open, and I realize just how beautiful the colors of the sky and leaves and whatnot around me are, or how wonderful it is to hear a kid playing and having fun, but usually? I don't see.

I want to learn to change that.

That, ultimately, is the cure to my depression, I think. Learning to enjoy what's around me, not wanting to have something I don't.

[soquili-gitli.livejournal.com]

I think you might very well be right. Then again, only you know for sure how your mind operates, and what will bring the walls down.

I've always said that when we are lost in the dark, it is so very difficult to see the light. To remember that there ever WAS light. That's the true insidious nature of depression, it makes you forget the light.

[serendipitygirl.livejournal.com]

Precisely as your fiance' has it. It is not enough to survive. One must Live.
You do. It is a rare and precious gift.
Love you. :)

[reel-trendy-hat.livejournal.com]

Joyce, as a representative of the greater geek community, I hearby welcome you to our humble kingdom. in the hall to your right you'll find all sorts of gadgetry and programing. in the hall to your left is our game center. we play everything. Know that you are at home.


That being said, i dunno about being alive. thank the universe for psychoactive botanicals

[tckma.livejournal.com]

:)

[cortneyofeden.livejournal.com]

This makes me want to give you a nice big, enthusiastic hug. :)

[chaoticset.livejournal.com]

Do not make the mistake of thinking that Feeling Bad is a horrible thing -- as long as you do that, be as manic as you wish. :P :D

[paradox-puree.livejournal.com]

Well, no. I love "Feeling Bad." It's a wonderful feeling to have. I didn't really used to have it. Now I do. And I love it. I love being able to experience the pain and sorrow of life.

That fact makes the joys so much brighter. :)

[mantic-angel.livejournal.com]

Really, you find it hard to explain? You fit. It's often as simple as that. You found a place in the world where you actually fit in, where you're accepted, where you can be yourself.

Sometimes... sometimes I think that it's extraordinarily rare to have even one facet of your life where you well and truly feel "this is right." Sometimes, it seems like most people work jobs that compromise a good salary with minimum misery - they're not truly happy with the work, or they're not truly happy with the lifestyle it affords. Most people compromise their relationships - they date people, not because they truly love them, but because it beats being alone. It seems like a lot of people don't even try to be happy, they just try to be less miserable.

Having done that for 20 years, I can hardly blame them. I have a few thoughts percolating on it, but... it seems like the only way to truly be happy is to simply learn how to survive being miserable. That the trick is just surviving, holding in there, until you get that momentary chance to pull yourself out; conserving your strength until you can blossom.

*blinks* Didn't expect to write any of it, and it's all just ramblings right now. I'll have to polish it later, but hopefully the draft offers you some insight.

[dv-girl.livejournal.com]

Must not smile.... Too damn cheerful... Mind... Strong... Body... WEAK!!! AHAHAHA!

Darn you. You're just too darned cute. *sulk*

[ex-sonjaaa.livejournal.com]

We demand pictures of you in your dress!

[vulpin openid (from livejournal.com)]

As has already been said, welcome to the bay area geek community. You have already been pointed to the Hall of Gadgets and the Chamber of Games. You may pick up your free membership to either one or both of the League of Evil Geniuses or the Mad Scientists' Union, local 42 at the concierge desk.

-Erica