Deflection
Mar. 13th, 2008 09:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pandora_parrotI had an interesting conversation with my therapist this morning. We talked about how in grade school, when the bullies would attack me, I would attack myself harder. If they made fun of me, I'd make fun of myself worse. If they physically hit me, I'd hit myself harder. My therapist and I talked about how it was a defense mechanism to get rid of the bullies. And as I thought about it, I realized that I still use this technique today.
It's an interesting technique. When people would attack me, I felt them going for specific handles in my psyche. Attacking sensitive spots like my weight, my looks, my nerdiness, or through physical pain... whatever. But if I could somehow desensitive those spots... make them nonviable as targets, then they couldn't hurt me. If I pull a piece of myself out and hand it to my attacker, they can attack that piece all they want, but it is not me.
I call the technique deflection. The basic premise is to pre-empt your attacker by owning the part of you they want to attack. If they are going to pick at a flaw of yours, own the flaw. Admit that you have it. Point out all of the major issues that you have with it. What more can they say? If you have truly owned the flaw, anything they say against you is merely going to be repeating what you've already said. They have no power to attack. No power to harm you. It makes the attacker feeble, taking away the satisfaction of their attack. I often use the analogy of punching. Attackers want to feel the feedback of striking something that pushes back. They want to strike a wall, as it were. Deflection is about turning that wall into a sponge. Their punch does not give them the satisfaction they desired, and I bounce back without being significantly harmed.
When I was a child, I thought the only way to do this was to viciously attack that part of myself. To harm it more than the attacker was harming it. That showed that I already owned those flaws of mine. That I was in control and that they had nothing left to add. As time went on, I realized that I didn't have to attack myself. I could just be honest about my flaws, describing every bit of what they were going to attack without attacking them myself. If they attacked a flaw that I did not see, then I could use this technique to show other flaws that I *did* know about that were related to the one they perceived. It demonstrated that they were attacking something I did not even believe in, but would be willing to own up to if I did. I later learned to love these so-called flawed parts of myself, recognizing both the "bad" and "good" parts of them. The notion of seeing them as "flaws" even began to fall apart, looking at them just as simple aspects of myself. I have learned to use this technique as a way of building self-esteem. To love, honor, and cherish those parts of me that are not universally loved by all. To love those parts of me that I myself have difficulty feeling safe and comfortable about.
It's kind of like defending yourself by offering yourself to your attacker. Like in the movies where the hero stands in front of the gun, daring the opponent to shoot. Like the peace activists that stand in the way of the oncoming soldiers. Turning the other cheek, as it were. It is saying, "I am here. I am not afraid of what you can do to me. You cannot do anything to any part of me that I have not already done or considered you doing. I am prepared and ready. I am strong in this place."
These days, I will do this by openly admitting my faults whenever I become aware of them. Especially when in an online debate or in an argument where my opponent is trying to make fun of me or mock me. We'll discuss those parts of me that they might want to attack. If they manage to find something I didn't mention pre-emptively, I'll just acknowledge places where they are accurate in their assessment. It even works when talking to a lover. If a lover has an issue with something I'm doing, they may feel nervous about bringing it up, since it might hurt me. If I recognize the issue ahead of time and openly admit to it, it gives them the safe space to say those things, knowing that it won't hurt me to say it. It's not always effective, nor is it something I can reliably do all the time. There are plenty of spaces within me that I have not considered, and am vulnerable to attack.
Recognizing this really helps me to forgive that child in me for harming zirself. It's become a valuable technique that I can use to make my love safer and smoother.
It's an interesting technique. When people would attack me, I felt them going for specific handles in my psyche. Attacking sensitive spots like my weight, my looks, my nerdiness, or through physical pain... whatever. But if I could somehow desensitive those spots... make them nonviable as targets, then they couldn't hurt me. If I pull a piece of myself out and hand it to my attacker, they can attack that piece all they want, but it is not me.
I call the technique deflection. The basic premise is to pre-empt your attacker by owning the part of you they want to attack. If they are going to pick at a flaw of yours, own the flaw. Admit that you have it. Point out all of the major issues that you have with it. What more can they say? If you have truly owned the flaw, anything they say against you is merely going to be repeating what you've already said. They have no power to attack. No power to harm you. It makes the attacker feeble, taking away the satisfaction of their attack. I often use the analogy of punching. Attackers want to feel the feedback of striking something that pushes back. They want to strike a wall, as it were. Deflection is about turning that wall into a sponge. Their punch does not give them the satisfaction they desired, and I bounce back without being significantly harmed.
When I was a child, I thought the only way to do this was to viciously attack that part of myself. To harm it more than the attacker was harming it. That showed that I already owned those flaws of mine. That I was in control and that they had nothing left to add. As time went on, I realized that I didn't have to attack myself. I could just be honest about my flaws, describing every bit of what they were going to attack without attacking them myself. If they attacked a flaw that I did not see, then I could use this technique to show other flaws that I *did* know about that were related to the one they perceived. It demonstrated that they were attacking something I did not even believe in, but would be willing to own up to if I did. I later learned to love these so-called flawed parts of myself, recognizing both the "bad" and "good" parts of them. The notion of seeing them as "flaws" even began to fall apart, looking at them just as simple aspects of myself. I have learned to use this technique as a way of building self-esteem. To love, honor, and cherish those parts of me that are not universally loved by all. To love those parts of me that I myself have difficulty feeling safe and comfortable about.
It's kind of like defending yourself by offering yourself to your attacker. Like in the movies where the hero stands in front of the gun, daring the opponent to shoot. Like the peace activists that stand in the way of the oncoming soldiers. Turning the other cheek, as it were. It is saying, "I am here. I am not afraid of what you can do to me. You cannot do anything to any part of me that I have not already done or considered you doing. I am prepared and ready. I am strong in this place."
These days, I will do this by openly admitting my faults whenever I become aware of them. Especially when in an online debate or in an argument where my opponent is trying to make fun of me or mock me. We'll discuss those parts of me that they might want to attack. If they manage to find something I didn't mention pre-emptively, I'll just acknowledge places where they are accurate in their assessment. It even works when talking to a lover. If a lover has an issue with something I'm doing, they may feel nervous about bringing it up, since it might hurt me. If I recognize the issue ahead of time and openly admit to it, it gives them the safe space to say those things, knowing that it won't hurt me to say it. It's not always effective, nor is it something I can reliably do all the time. There are plenty of spaces within me that I have not considered, and am vulnerable to attack.
Recognizing this really helps me to forgive that child in me for harming zirself. It's become a valuable technique that I can use to make my love safer and smoother.
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I think more than a few people do it...
Date: 2008-03-14 01:53 am (UTC)Re: I think more than a few people do it...
Date: 2008-03-25 08:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-14 06:29 am (UTC)