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pandora_parrotWho am I?
The answer to that question has changed a lot in the past few years. I firmly believe that it will continue to change over time. But there are some bits of me that I firmly hold to, hard. Some of them have been true of me since I was a child, and some have been with me only recently, but are just as hard and firm. Most of them, are in the form of promises I've made to myself.
My biggest promise to myself is to always do my best to be honest. What does this mean?
I struggle to be as self-aware as I can be. To be honest about what I'm going through, what I'm feeling about things, what the difficulties and hardships are about. Denial happens, as does simple lack of self-awareness. But I struggle against both, trying to dig in and see myself as I am, not as some idealized individual.
I try to be honest about my struggles, my pitfalls, my weakness, my problems, and my issues. I'm not perfect. I'm not a bundle of happy-jolly-good things. I fuck up. I do stupid shit. I have neurotic responses to some things. Choices I make aren't always the best. I want to be honest about these.
I try to be honest about my talents, capabilities, virtues, strengths, etc. I do good things. I am smart. I work hard to be the best person I can be. I will do my best to foster a strong sense of self-esteem tempered by an honest evaluation of my shortcomings. I will not get down on myself. I will not be egotistical. I will see my good and bad parts and cherish them as an honest evaluation of myself.
I will be honest about the challenges I face in life to others, and not hide the fact that I am working things out as I go along.
I will tell people what I think of them, honestly, to their face, and openly. Though I have failed at this sometimes, I vow to never speak ill of someone in such a way that I wouldn't tell them the same thing to their face.
I will own my own emotions. I am prone to jealousy. I would even go so far as to say that I'm a rather jealous person. But this is my issue, no one else's. I will do my best to not take my issues out on other people.
I vow to cherish my lovers' lovers and do whatever I can to support their relationship with my lover. I will not let my jealousy ever make me bitter about them. I will never let it push me to work against their relationships, directly or indirectly, actively or passively. I would sooner die than come between my lover and another lover of theirs.
I will live openly and honestly to the best of my ability. I will not let fear of being "seen" stop me from living my life the way I want to. I fail at this a lot, but I'm always moving forwards on it.
I will hold true to my beliefs, regardless of how they are taken by other people. I will not shy away from telling someone what I really think, just because I am afraid of what they might think about it.
I will listen to everything everyone has to say about anything. I will honestly respect and consider every opinion I hear, even if I vehemently disagree with it.
I will NEVER reject criticism, so long as it is given with love and respect. Even if it isn't, I will still listen to what was said and think about it, even though I may ask the person to stop giving said criticism.
I will not make fun of anyone or anything that deserves respect.
I will never reject a friend over a disagreement.
There's probably more, but that's a good sampling of promises I've made to myself.
The answer to that question has changed a lot in the past few years. I firmly believe that it will continue to change over time. But there are some bits of me that I firmly hold to, hard. Some of them have been true of me since I was a child, and some have been with me only recently, but are just as hard and firm. Most of them, are in the form of promises I've made to myself.
My biggest promise to myself is to always do my best to be honest. What does this mean?
I struggle to be as self-aware as I can be. To be honest about what I'm going through, what I'm feeling about things, what the difficulties and hardships are about. Denial happens, as does simple lack of self-awareness. But I struggle against both, trying to dig in and see myself as I am, not as some idealized individual.
I try to be honest about my struggles, my pitfalls, my weakness, my problems, and my issues. I'm not perfect. I'm not a bundle of happy-jolly-good things. I fuck up. I do stupid shit. I have neurotic responses to some things. Choices I make aren't always the best. I want to be honest about these.
I try to be honest about my talents, capabilities, virtues, strengths, etc. I do good things. I am smart. I work hard to be the best person I can be. I will do my best to foster a strong sense of self-esteem tempered by an honest evaluation of my shortcomings. I will not get down on myself. I will not be egotistical. I will see my good and bad parts and cherish them as an honest evaluation of myself.
I will be honest about the challenges I face in life to others, and not hide the fact that I am working things out as I go along.
I will tell people what I think of them, honestly, to their face, and openly. Though I have failed at this sometimes, I vow to never speak ill of someone in such a way that I wouldn't tell them the same thing to their face.
I will own my own emotions. I am prone to jealousy. I would even go so far as to say that I'm a rather jealous person. But this is my issue, no one else's. I will do my best to not take my issues out on other people.
I vow to cherish my lovers' lovers and do whatever I can to support their relationship with my lover. I will not let my jealousy ever make me bitter about them. I will never let it push me to work against their relationships, directly or indirectly, actively or passively. I would sooner die than come between my lover and another lover of theirs.
I will live openly and honestly to the best of my ability. I will not let fear of being "seen" stop me from living my life the way I want to. I fail at this a lot, but I'm always moving forwards on it.
I will hold true to my beliefs, regardless of how they are taken by other people. I will not shy away from telling someone what I really think, just because I am afraid of what they might think about it.
I will listen to everything everyone has to say about anything. I will honestly respect and consider every opinion I hear, even if I vehemently disagree with it.
I will NEVER reject criticism, so long as it is given with love and respect. Even if it isn't, I will still listen to what was said and think about it, even though I may ask the person to stop giving said criticism.
I will not make fun of anyone or anything that deserves respect.
I will never reject a friend over a disagreement.
There's probably more, but that's a good sampling of promises I've made to myself.
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-04 02:14 am (UTC)Please, when you're feeling up to it, and have a few extra moments, call me?
no subject
Date: 2007-12-04 10:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-04 05:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-04 10:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 02:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 04:34 am (UTC)"I will not make fun of anyone or anything that deserves respect."
I have a very explicit vow that there shall be no sacred cows. If I can't make fun of something or someone, I need to find out why I have that taboo and excise it. I'm rarely aware of failing at this one, but I'm sure there's some jokes that would offend even me.
(That said, being respectful is also extremely important to me. This results in a corrolary goal of having friends who themselves lack taboos, that way I can be respectful while joking about them :))
"I vow to cherish my lovers' lovers"
I have a strong vow against "relationship by proxy." This applies to both positive relationships ("friend of a friend") and negative ones ("my friend hates you"). I will treat them with decency and respect, and I will not attempt to sabotage their relationship nor let jealousy misguide me. However, I feel free to dislike them, distrust them, and say that they are a bad influence. It is very hard for me to feel it is my place to do the latter, since I don't trust that I'm unbiased, though.
(That said, if someone makes my lover happy, then I'm going to be positively predisposed to them. And, really, if my lover finds them interesting, I'm probably going to as well. My friends tend to have good taste in friends. So I do have a strong positive default state, it just doesn't prevent me at all from ending up biased against.)
"I try to be honest about my talents, capabilities, virtues, strengths, etc. "
This one just struck me as interesting. I try very hard to be honest about my weaknesses, flaws, and failings. I don't have much trouble being honest about the positive aspects of my life :)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 04:36 am (UTC)(Plus, I've been slowly working on a post like this of my own for a while - you'd be on the filter to have seen the draft of it, but I just haven't had time to polish it)