Poly-fam

[pandora_parrot]

It appears that there are lots of goings-on out in the poly-fam these past few days, some positive, some negative. Some of it has to do with me, some doesn't.

Welcome to poly. We know drama. ;)

When it comes to poly-fam, my sentiment is the same as missk's thoughts: "If I care about someone that loves you... then I care about *you*. "

To me, poly-fam is about holding each other up, to help one another have the best possible relationships that we all can have. Some poly folk seem to like to keep their relationships separate from one another. I get involved and get messy. Oh it sucks and causes drama sometimes, to be sure. But that's the way I operate. I want to help my lovers with their other relationships, whether that means being a person they can vent to about a mutual lover, providing advice about how to communicate better, helping them meet new people, whatever. I also try to take a "motherly" approach and remind someone of obligations and such related to their other lovers (like reminding someone to call their lover on a regular basis.)

I see myself as a bit of a resource to the rest of my poly-fam, to help them out. And I see them as the same to me, to help me out when things get rough. I've reached out to lovers-of-a-lover when things were going rough with that lover.

This is my poly-fam ideal: A bunch of people working together, whether directly or indirectly, to care about one another and build family. I feel happy to say that I really feel that this is the case with most of my poly-fam. I've seen people go out of their way to talk to other ends of the poly-fam, to help them out with issues they're having. I've had people give me space to deal with another lover's anxiety. Generally, it seems to work out really well most of the time. Not *all* of the time, but most. And that rocks. :)

Comments

[serendipitygirl.livejournal.com]

Interesting and insightful post I think. :) Lots of little bits of things to say if I may? (In point of fact I've already composed a response to this but it got long and rambly. I suppose I'm being a ninny and not wanting to drop the thing in your lap without preamble.) In case you are wondering why I've not chimed in on either your or crazedyotes recent poly posts, it's because, for the most part, I've not had anything to, well, contribute. I'm not much for speaking without having something to say (at least in an ideal situation). Just to put that out there.

[erinlefey.livejournal.com]

"If I care about someone that loves you... then I care about *you*. "

In my terminology, a person I'm involved with is a paramour. A person involved with someone I'm involved with is a metamour.

And I've found it keeps the gears moving so much more smoothly if there is awareness of the states of the metamours as well as the paramours.

Hugs, metamour! ;)

[serendipitygirl.livejournal.com]

And then I realized that the meat of the comment had been chopped off....*doh*

(For simplicity's sake, I'm just copypasting your post and tossing in my pence where I feel moved to do so.)
It appears that there are lots of goings-on out in the poly-fam these past few days, some positive, some negative. Some of it has to do with me, some doesn't.
At least it's not boring. :P
Welcome to poly. We know drama. ;)
Why is it that when things aren't going 100% hunky dory on all thrusters, people call it drama? I believe that one can be working on a particular negative issue without such a stigma. /pedantry (sorry, not terribly relevent but it's a personal point of irritation with me)
When it comes to poly-fam, my sentiment is the same as missk's thoughts: "If I care about someone that loves you... then I care about *you*. "
I have issues with the term “Poly-fam” as it seems (keep in mind, I've only run across this term in the past month or so, and have yet to see a definition thereof, so I can only infer it's meaning) to work on possibly false presumptions. Family is a big deal to me (and it's nothing to do with blood necessarily). My family of choice aka my clan aka my tribe is not defined by whether or not I'm sleeping with them or otherwise romantically involved with them nor whether they are polyamorous or monogamous or whatever colour of the rainbow.
It would seem that, at base, poly-fam primarily means “the extended network of people that are in relationships to some degree with one another”. I suppose my issue is that I wouldn't call that family. It can be to be sure, but isn't necessarily.
To me, poly-fam is about holding each other up, to help one another have the best possible relationships that we all can have. Some poly folk seem to like to keep their relationships separate from one another. I get involved and get messy. Oh it sucks and causes drama sometimes, to be sure. But that's the way I operate.
It may help to keep in mind that not everyone operates that way. Obviously no relationship (of any kind) exists in a vacuum, but at the end of the day, As relationship to B may or may not have anything whatsoever to do with Bs relationship to C or Cs relationship with A (just to go for a nonspecific example).
I want to help my lovers with their other relationships, whether that means being a person they can vent to about a mutual lover, providing advice about how to communicate better, helping them meet new people, whatever. I also try to take a "motherly" approach and remind someone of obligations and such related to their other lovers (like reminding someone to call their lover on a regular basis.)
Of course, this can be interpreted as meddling, invading privacy, and generally disrespecting boundries too.
Having said that, I tend towards what you describe as motherly behavior also. :) Mind, it's created problems before, and in retrospect, I find that there is much to be said for keeping my nose largely out of my S.O.s relationships.

(continued in second comment)

[paradox-puree.livejournal.com]

Why is it that when things aren't going 100% hunky dory on all thrusters, people call it drama?
I was actually just repeating a joke. I didn't intend to imply anything.

It would seem that, at base, poly-fam primarily means “the extended network of people that are in relationships to some degree with one another”. I suppose my issue is that I wouldn't call that family. It can be to be sure, but isn't necessarily.
That is basically the definition that I use for "poly-fam." For me, I *do* call that family. People that are dating people that I'm dating are like siblings or cousins or aunts or uncles or some such thing. They're not necessarily the people I have close in my life, but I do care about them. They are, indirectly, my family.

Of course, this can be interpreted as meddling, invading privacy, and generally disrespecting boundries too.
*smiles* So far, I've been pretty good about making sure that I don't go where I'm not invited. Generally... I just poke my nose in and say, "Hey. Can I come in here?"

[serendipitygirl.livejournal.com]

:P No worries dear, I didn't think you were. More taking this opportunity to climb on my soapbox. Sorry if I gave an impression that it were otherwise. :)

Interesting point (the second one) - I think we can agree to disagree on this without any issue, yes? :)

*noddles* The path to hell, good intentions and all that. It can be very hard not to sometimes, but at the end of the exam, good intentions are only about 30% of one's final score I think.

[paradox-puree.livejournal.com]

I think we can agree to disagree on this without any issue, yes?
I don't think there's anything to disagree on. The term works for me. It does not work for you. That seems to be all there is to it.

The path to hell, good intentions and all that.
You also need to be smart about things. :)

[serendipitygirl.livejournal.com]

I was speaking more to our different definitions of family actually but no worry.

[peaceofpie.livejournal.com]

With absolutely no feelings of negativity toward Joyce or her use of the word "drama" in this post...I feel the exact same way about how overused the word "drama" is. Similarly to "emo", it's like...wow, it isn't already difficult enough to express and be open about dealing with complex and frustrating emotions and interpersonal conflicts, so now we have to stigmatize their very existence? *dramatic sigh*

it isn't already difficult enough to express and be open about dealing with complex and frustrating

[serendipitygirl.livejournal.com]

*noddles* That's precisely the crux of what I was getting at. Buzzwords are not our friends!
*back of hand to forehead*

[serendipitygirl.livejournal.com]

I see myself as a bit of a resource to the rest of my poly-fam, to help them out. And I see them as the same to me, to help me out when things get rough. I've reached out to lovers-of-a-lover when things were going rough with that lover.
Again, that's kind of a slippery slope. The exact same behaviors may be percieved as helpful in one case, and unwanted and intrusive in another case.
This is my poly-fam idea: A bunch of people working together, whether directly or indirectly, to care about one another and build family. I feel happy to say that I really feel that this is the case with most of my poly-fam. I've seen people go out of their way to talk to other ends of the poly-fam, to help them out with issues they're having. I've had people give me space to deal with another lover's anxiety. Generally, it seems to work out really well most of the time. Not *all* of the time, but most. And that rocks. :)
At the end of the day, it really comes back to communication and that's a good and necessary thing. I reiterate that one of polyamory's greatest strengths is also one of it's unique challenges – namely that no two of us have the same idea as to what poly is or isn't. The lack of both a common agreement on such as well as a common vocabulary (especially that) makes good and honest communication difficult (bad) and challenging (not bad, just hard). When poly works then it's a beautiful thing (but then, when monogamy works it can be a beautiful thing too). Having said that, nothing worth doing is easy, and seeing that work needs to be done doesn't mean things aren't working.

[paradox-puree.livejournal.com]

Regarding the slippery slope, I responded to that above.

Regarding the rest: Not much to add. IAWTC. :)

[serendipitygirl.livejournal.com]

Quite so - sorry, my commentary got all messed up b/c of lj's silly character max limit restrictions.

:) I rather thought you might.

[fuzzydragon.livejournal.com]

I get involved and get messy. Oh it sucks and causes drama sometimes, to be sure. But that's the way I operate. It heartens me to know that I have been included in this menagerie. Connecting with is you is good for me. Thanks. This is helping.

[saelkie.livejournal.com]

I've found it really helpful sometimes in dealing with jealousy and insecurity to be connected to partners of partners. It's kind of paradoxical, but people who are unknown but probably super cool are a lot scarier to me than people who I know are super cool from firsthand experience. I suppose this is partly having a sense that they care about me and don't want to hurt me. Knowing people also puts me in a frame of mind to think them as a friend rather than a rival.

You are really good at poly stuff. It's exciting to hear about your ideas and your life working so well together - a lot of people idealize being poly but don't do so well with it in real life.