![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
To my 16 year old self
Nov. 4th, 2010 12:26 pmFrom a journal entry I wrote at 16:
I know that you don't realize it much, yet, but you're really unhappy. It's worse even than what you write about being alone. There's so much going on inside you that you don't understand and don't know what to do with. I don't know how to show you what's inside you, and I don't know how to get you to understand it all. It's a mess, and you're a mess. It's going to take you years to figure out just how much of a mess, and still more years to fix it. It's going to be nearly 12 years before you finally get through it all and start living your life the way you want.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But you don't even know the half of it yet. The worst is yet to come. It's going to suck. It's going to hurt. There are going to be times when you question whether or not you will even ever survive it.
The only promise that I can give you is that there is light at the other end of the tunnel. You will survive what is to come and find all of your dreams waiting on the other side. Even dreams you don't yet realize that you have. Dreams that are buried so deep within you that you don't let yourself see how deeply and constantly you crave them.
You will find freedom, happiness, love, and friendship in ways that you can't even imagine.
But the road to it is going to be hell, and it will scar you for the rest of your life.
Good luck.
Every time I see two good friends, or two people that show genuine love for one another, a great jealousy pangs my heart, for I wish that I could be in their place and feel what they feel. The only way that I will ever find companionship, in the least, is to just be and exist. But then I will have nothing. I guess I am just prolonging the inevitble, becuase they'll all leave eventually. Every last one of them shall be driven away by my stupidity. And I shall be alone again. Alone to face the terrors of this world. Alone to experience the joys of my life. Alone. Alone. Alone. A face in a picture. A name in a book. Nonexistant. Dead to all, living only to myself. I'll become "That kid in our class," A nameless face of thousands, with not a single person remembering who I am.
WHY CAN'T I BE LOVED? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? NO ONE! NO ONE LOVES ME!
I know that you don't realize it much, yet, but you're really unhappy. It's worse even than what you write about being alone. There's so much going on inside you that you don't understand and don't know what to do with. I don't know how to show you what's inside you, and I don't know how to get you to understand it all. It's a mess, and you're a mess. It's going to take you years to figure out just how much of a mess, and still more years to fix it. It's going to be nearly 12 years before you finally get through it all and start living your life the way you want.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But you don't even know the half of it yet. The worst is yet to come. It's going to suck. It's going to hurt. There are going to be times when you question whether or not you will even ever survive it.
The only promise that I can give you is that there is light at the other end of the tunnel. You will survive what is to come and find all of your dreams waiting on the other side. Even dreams you don't yet realize that you have. Dreams that are buried so deep within you that you don't let yourself see how deeply and constantly you crave them.
You will find freedom, happiness, love, and friendship in ways that you can't even imagine.
But the road to it is going to be hell, and it will scar you for the rest of your life.
Good luck.
