Oops

A late dinner, coupled with a bit of hanging out with parmonster, wound up eatting all of my evening last night. When I finally turned around to actually get some work done, I looked at the clock and it was 1AM.

Ack!

Alright. Tonight! Tonight I shall succeed at my plans!

Meta-reflective and looking to the future

I spent much of 2009 reflecting on everything that was happening to me and trying to place it into the story of my life. I think that has a lot to do with just how much was happening to me last year. Much good and bad. LOTS of difficult.

I think 2009 was the year I got back to work on my life. So 2010 is going to be filled with but lots of work. I suppose my resolution this year is to do a lot of stuff. Write software, draw pictures, paint paintings, build flashy-glowy things, climb mountains, ride my bike to new locations, hike all over the place, etc. You know, stuff like that. Just be busy and do a million things.

There are some themes to my posts. Many of them go this way: "I used to have problem X, but I just accomplished some huge step in making X go away/get better! I still have issues with X, but I'm getting better all the time." or some variant thereof.

I'm not entirely sure that these posts are always 100% accurate. I misremember a lot of things. For example, throughout my childhood and high school years, I remember always feeling very lonely. I felt alone and alien. I remember being alone all the time Yet when I look at how many friends I had back then, I get confused. I *did* have friends, even if they weren't exactly the kinds of friends I wanted. In grade school, I had 3-6 friends I hung out with a lot, and in high school, about the same. It's still that way, actually. That just seems to be my number or something. It's like my memory is based on my emotional state, not the factual events that took place.

I look back on many of my posts from 2004 and 2005, and I realize just how childish and immature I was back then. I was hyperactive, overexcited about everything, and convinced that everyone else held the keys to the universe. Every relationship that came my way, I was convinced that we were destined to be together forever. I moved in with people as quickly as I could, wanting to recreate my marriage with my ex-wife or something. I wanted to replace my estranged family. I wanted to find a home.

I hurt several people as I crashed through life trying to find my way to this point and beyond. Lovers that moved in with me under the pretense that I knew myself well enough to offer to support them, that I later asked to leave because I found myself unwilling to do so. Long distance lovers that deeply cared for me and spent much of their money and energy on having a relationship with me, but despite my words when we would speak, I never found equivalent energy or money in myself to offer back.

Looking to the future, what do I want? Primarily, I want to be at peace. Peace with myself, peace with the people around me, and peace with the world in general. I want to know myself, in all of my parts, from the deepest darkest reaches of my soul to the blindspots that I still have. I want to stop running from pain and fear and learn to stand with it. I want to learn to be patient and wait for good things to come. I want to know how to be a better citizen of the earth, a better companion to my fellow beings, a better friend to those I care about, and a better partner to those I love.