pandora_parrot: (poly)
This arrived in my inbox today. I had to share.  I edited the format to make it a bit more readable.

By Anne Hunter © 15th December 2007
Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike

Read more... )
pandora_parrot: (poly)
Poly charts:

If you add up all of the people I am involved with, all of the people they are involved with, and so on, I can easily count over a hundred people.

And it really seems quite stable and nice.

Fascinating. :)
pandora_parrot: (poly)
As I've begun to explore deepening my relationships with people, things are changing. I'm investing more of myself in certain people. I'm finding that I *need* certain people more. When they're not around, I'm an emotional wreck. And the fear of losing them is almost paralyzing at times.

I have often said that I want to be in a relationship where I can just "let go" and be with someone. Not put up a barrier and a defense to keep them at a distance. I want to just... be comfortable with a person. I've had a lot of difficulty finding this.

So you can see that it struck me as interesting when I read this article from Polyamory in the News. I quote the opening:
I want to know you…without the constraints of keeping you at a distance. I don’t want to put you in a box, to be opened and closed at my convenience. I want to lose control, let go…”

This article was written by a person that believes that her choice to be polyamorous keeps her from finding the kind of relationship that she describes above. And it is very interesting to me that I also seek that same kind of relationship.

She describes it as follows
I want to be with someone with whom I can totally let go…someone I don’t keep at a distance…polyamory is very controlled. Each lover is in a box, to be put in or taken out at my convenience...

...monogamy limits the variety of sexual and romantic experience, while polyamory limits how far you can go with one person.

I've often wondered the same thing. Will being polyamorous prevent me from finding and creating the kind of relationship that I want? Is monogamy the only way to find deep, fulfilling relationships? I don't know about how it is for Stephanie Sellars, but I think that for me, the reason I find this difficult is because of fear, not because of polamory.

I say that I wan to "let go" and "not keep a person at a distance," but why do I do these things? Why do I hold a person at a distance usually? Why is it so bad to be brought close to someone? The answer is simple: If I get too close, and they wind up leaving me or deprioritizing me, that's going to hurt a lot. So I hold back my emotions and expectations of someone else. I prevent myself from needing someone because they could always be gone tomorrow.

Monogamy would solve this for me, it seems. If I'm the only person in my "one true lover"'s life, then I can't be passed over for someone else. I can't be left alone. Once we commit to one another, there is an expectation that this will last for a very very long time. That makes it feel safe to trust the other person to always be there for me.

But wait... Is this *really* trust? Am I really losing control? I'm not getting over my fear of abandonment here, I'm simply avoiding it... I'm removing the potential for the other person to fall in love with someone else. I'm *taking* control of the situation, not losing it. The "loss of control" I would feel in such a situation is simply the comfort of "being in control." It's an illusion.

What happens when someone is polyamorous? Or at least, what happens with my lovers? Well, my lovers go on dates with other people all the time. They form new bonds with new people and deepen bonds with people they're already involved with. They are always running into situations where they might find someone to "replace" me. This is exactly what I'm afraid of: These situations coming true. By eliminating those situations, all I've done is dodge my fear, I haven't faced it.

I think that what I have to do, to have the kind of relationship I want with people is that I have to trust them to hold me in their heart and not let go. I have to trust them to always be ready and willing and interested in taking care of my needs. Sure, the relationship may one day come to an end, but barring that, I have to trust them to be there. I have to allow them to be placed in the face of exactly what I am terrified of. I have to see them, time and again, meet and connect with people, any one of which could theoretically take my place... And I have to trust and believe that it is not going to happen, and that I will remain important.

Because that's what I really want... I want to be important to my [ profile] pandagenma, and I want to be important to my [ profile] crazedyote. They mean so so so much to me. I *need* them to need me. I *need* to be important to them. If that falls apart, I'll fall apart. Sure, I could put distance between us and not fall so madly for them... But that's not what I want.

So I do think that it is possible to polyamorous and have the kind of deep primary relationship that Stephanie Sellars wants. At least, I believe it is possible for me to do so... YMMV and all that. I have to trust, I have to believe, and I have to have faith. And doing that is the hardest relationship oriented thing I'll ever do.
pandora_parrot: (poly)
Two of my lovers are experiencing over-loads in part due to the quantity of people they are dating. I am too, and so I've made some changes to my life.

Prior to coming to California, and really prior to transition, I didn't know too many other people that I shared interests with enough to be interested in dating. Such people were fairly unusual to me. So upon coming out as trans and moreso upon coming to California, I've felt like a kid in a candy store, meeting tons of people that were interested in me and that I was interested in.

I've never, ever, had to say no before. When I would meet someone awesome, there was plenty of time to devote a portion of my life to them and start spending time with them. It's just that there were so few people for whom there was mutual interest, so every person was rare and precious.

But now... there's so many. Awesome people are a dime a dozen. So there's not enough free time to date them all. I cannot use my old pattern of seeing every awesome person as rare and precious. I have to face the fact that every new person I add to my life means less time with someone that I'm already with. Instead of growing in quality with the people I'm dating, I would be growing in quantity of people.

Before it becomes a real problem, I'm going to stop what I'm doing and change. I'm done dating new people for a while. I'm going to work on existing relationships, building and deepening them to make them stronger. I'm very in love with a small handful of people, and there are a few others with whom I've got some nice potential growing as we get to know each other better. I want to grow this. I want to fall deeper with these people. I want to see what this could be. I am dating these people because they are beautiful to me. I don't want to miss this time with them because I'm too busy collecting every single person I come across.

So for the first time in years, I'm going to be saying no when people ask me out... Wild.


Aug. 26th, 2007 12:04 pm
pandora_parrot: (poly)
It appears that there are lots of goings-on out in the poly-fam these past few days, some positive, some negative. Some of it has to do with me, some doesn't.

Welcome to poly. We know drama. ;)

When it comes to poly-fam, my sentiment is the same as [ profile] missk's thoughts: "If I care about someone that loves you... then I care about *you*. "

To me, poly-fam is about holding each other up, to help one another have the best possible relationships that we all can have. Some poly folk seem to like to keep their relationships separate from one another. I get involved and get messy. Oh it sucks and causes drama sometimes, to be sure. But that's the way I operate. I want to help my lovers with their other relationships, whether that means being a person they can vent to about a mutual lover, providing advice about how to communicate better, helping them meet new people, whatever. I also try to take a "motherly" approach and remind someone of obligations and such related to their other lovers (like reminding someone to call their lover on a regular basis.)

I see myself as a bit of a resource to the rest of my poly-fam, to help them out. And I see them as the same to me, to help me out when things get rough. I've reached out to lovers-of-a-lover when things were going rough with that lover.

This is my poly-fam ideal: A bunch of people working together, whether directly or indirectly, to care about one another and build family. I feel happy to say that I really feel that this is the case with most of my poly-fam. I've seen people go out of their way to talk to other ends of the poly-fam, to help them out with issues they're having. I've had people give me space to deal with another lover's anxiety. Generally, it seems to work out really well most of the time. Not *all* of the time, but most. And that rocks. :)


Jun. 26th, 2007 12:19 pm
pandora_parrot: (transpoly)
I don't get tattoos. I don't like permanently modifying my body.

Of course... I've kinda been doing just that these past few months. So maybe it is time for a change.

A while back, [ profile] pandagenma made this amazing image. We started talking about tattoos, and I then offered some creative feedback, which she turned into the following image.

It is a combination of both the mercury symbol (used to represent transgender people) and the polyamory symbol. I am seriously considering having it placed onto my body in the not-so-distant future.

(Note about the Mercury symbol from here: Mercury was borrowed in this instance to represent a transgendered person. Mercury's symbol has a cross extending down to represent femininity and a crescent moon at the top to represent masculinity. The two are placed at opposite ends of the circle to strike a balance between the male and female parts. This symbol seems to speak more to those trangendered persons who identify hermaphroditically or andgroynously.)

So what do y'all think? How much do you think this will cost? More importantly... If I do get this... *WHERE* on my body should I get it?
pandora_parrot: (music)
Gaia Consort has put out a new CD. Everyone with money go pre-order it!

Go here to read lyrics and listen to songs.

Perils of Poly is a rather amusing and true song about some of the realities of being poly.

And who can't love Turtles all the way down?

Goodnight's lyrics seem to strike home with the very heart of why I'm poly.

Cool cool!

May. 28th, 2006 02:38 pm
pandora_parrot: (artsy)
Epica: Cry for the Moon is a REALLY neat music video. Check it out!

Polly Wally is just funny.


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