As I've begun to explore deepening my relationships with people, things are changing. I'm investing more of myself in certain people. I'm finding that I *need* certain people more. When they're not around, I'm an emotional wreck. And the fear of losing them is almost paralyzing at times.
I have often said that I want to be in a relationship where I can just "let go" and be with someone. Not put up a barrier and a defense to keep them at a distance. I want to just... be comfortable with a person. I've had a lot of difficulty finding this.
So you can see that it struck me as interesting when I read this article
from Polyamory in the News
. I quote the opening:
I want to know you…without the constraints of keeping you at a distance. I don’t want to put you in a box, to be opened and closed at my convenience. I want to lose control, let go…”
This article was written by a person that believes that her choice to be polyamorous keeps her from finding the kind of relationship that she describes above. And it is very interesting to me that I also seek that same kind of relationship.
She describes it as follows
I want to be with someone with whom I can totally let go…someone I don’t keep at a distance…polyamory is very controlled. Each lover is in a box, to be put in or taken out at my convenience...
...monogamy limits the variety of sexual and romantic experience, while polyamory limits how far you can go with one person.
I've often wondered the same thing. Will being polyamorous prevent me from finding and creating the kind of relationship that I want? Is monogamy the only way to find deep, fulfilling relationships? I don't know about how it is for Stephanie Sellars, but I think that for me, the reason I find this difficult is because of fear, not because of polamory.
I say that I wan to "let go" and "not keep a person at a distance," but why do I do these things? Why do I hold a person at a distance usually? Why is it so bad to be brought close to someone? The answer is simple: If I get too close, and they wind up leaving me or deprioritizing me, that's going to hurt a lot. So I hold back my emotions and expectations of someone else. I prevent myself from needing someone because they could always be gone tomorrow.
Monogamy would solve this for me, it seems. If I'm the only person in my "one true lover"'s life, then I can't be passed over for someone else. I can't be left alone. Once we commit to one another, there is an expectation that this will last for a very very long time. That makes it feel safe to trust the other person to always be there for me.
But wait... Is this *really* trust? Am I really losing control? I'm not getting over my fear of abandonment here, I'm simply avoiding it... I'm removing the potential for the other person to fall in love with someone else. I'm *taking* control of the situation, not losing it. The "loss of control" I would feel in such a situation is simply the comfort of "being in control." It's an illusion.
What happens when someone is polyamorous? Or at least, what happens with my lovers? Well, my lovers go on dates with other people all the time. They form new bonds with new people and deepen bonds with people they're already involved with. They are always running into situations where they might find someone to "replace" me. This is exactly what I'm afraid of: These situations coming true. By eliminating those situations, all I've done is dodge my fear, I haven't faced it.
I think that what I have to do, to have the kind of relationship I want with people is that I have to trust them to hold me in their heart and not let go. I have to trust them to always be ready and willing and interested in taking care of my needs. Sure, the relationship may one day come to an end, but barring that, I have to trust them to be there. I have to allow them to be placed in the face of exactly what I am terrified of. I have to see them, time and again, meet and connect with people, any one of which could theoretically take my place... And I have to trust and believe that it is not going to happen, and that I will remain important.
Because that's what I really want... I want to be important to my pandagenma
, and I want to be important to my crazedyote
. They mean so so so much to me. I *need* them to need me. I *need* to be important to them. If that falls apart, I'll fall apart. Sure, I could put distance between us and not fall so madly for them... But that's not what I want.
So I do think that it is possible to polyamorous and have the kind of deep primary relationship that Stephanie Sellars wants. At least, I believe it is possible for me to do so... YMMV and all that. I have to trust, I have to believe, and I have to have faith. And doing that is the hardest relationship oriented thing I'll ever do.