pandora_parrot: (courage)
If you haven't noticed this already, my live journal is already pretty much dead.

Yes, it's partly because of the massive exodus from LJ to Facebook/Google+/Dreamwidth/etc.

But it is also because of a lot of things happening in my life that have changed around how I use online media.

I don't know exactly why I've used LiveJournal over the years, but I can tell you some things that have been beneficial for me about it. More than anything else... talking about what's going on inside my head and having people support or approve of it has been incredibly helpful and beneficial, and God knows I've had a lot going on in my head over the past 7 years.

When I started this journal, I really lacked self-esteem. I felt disconnected from everyone and everything. I felt incompetent, incapable, and small. I felt like I didn't matter, that everything I did was shit, and that people really didn't like me; they just put up with me. My thoughts were bullshit wrong nonsense that just needed to be destroyed and ignored or something.

Having this journal, I was able to share about my thoughts and feelings to an audience, and be told that I wasn't shit. I wasn't crazy for thinking about the things I was thinking about. I wasn't a terrible person that failed at everything I did.

I also used LJ as a means by which to reach out and connect with people. I met hundreds of people from all sorts of walks of life, all with different perspectives, interests, etc. I learned so much, and explored whole avenues of thought and being as I associated with various kinds of people. I experimented in many ways, including sexuality, relationships, etc. I sought to find my own identity, especially in the face of the lack of identity that I had had previously.

In any case... it was a grand journey, and I truly adored it.

But that journey is over now. At least, that chapter is over.

My life is the best it has ever been. I am happier and more comfortable and at peace than I have ever been in my entire life. My life is by no means perfect, but it is lovely.

A huge element of this change is simply my career. In the past, I believed myself to be a terrible programmer that would never amount to anything or progress in her career. I now work at one of the most awesome companies in the world, a company that theoretically hires only the "best of the best of the best, with honors." Sometimes, I struggle with understanding why that includes me, but most of the time these days, I just accept that people think well of my engineering skills and leave it at that. I enjoy my work, and people enjoy working with me. That's good enough for me.

I've also been hugely influenced by a very different outlook on friendship. In the past, I would often think that I was just annoying everyone around me and that people were looking for an opportunity to ditch me as soon as they could. I felt that I had to please everyone as I desperately tried to keep them in my life, lest I lose them and everyone else and be alone.

Now, I've built up years of strong relationships with some wonderful people. I've got strong, close-knit friendships that have stood the tests of time and hardship, lasting 15 years, 7 years, or whatever. I continue to meet new and wonderful people that I add to that list. And... I don't try to people please like I used to. People don't like me. Fuck em. I don't like them? Fuck em. I'm not desperate to keep people in my life anymore. Yet people stick around and show me that they like me lots and lots.

And probably the third most important thing I can think of right now that is contributing to my current sense of serenity is that I am now secure in the knowledge and understanding of "What's wrong with me?" For years I tried to answer the question, "Why am I different from other people?" Trying to find the reason for the odd disconnect I felt from people. Now, I understand that it is a combination of prosopagnosia, CAPD, and being LGBT. Armed with the certainty of those three things, the majority of difficulties or oddities about my past are easily explicable.

With all of this going on... what I write about has changed considerably. You might say that my writing has gone from that of a child to that of an adult in some ways. In any case, it feels to me ill suited for livejournal, or at least, this particular journal. It feels like this is more or less the end of this journal. A fitting final story in this particular chapter of my life. Whether it really is the end of it or not is hard to say, but it feels very much like this is the terminus of this particular journey.

Of course, this *IS* the eternal journey. My journey will never end. I'm always going to be innovating and exploring ways of existing, being, etc. While I have found peace and calm in my life, and much of the struggles that have characterized the last 7 years are over... there are so many adventures to be had in the future. Not the same ones. Just different. :)

So with that... For those few left that are still listening... I bid you adieu. I hope to see you again if we cross paths in the future! :)

This is Paradox Puree... signing out. :)

...And she lived happily ever after.

To be continued...

Date: 2012-06-27 01:59 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
Happy trails! I'm still hanging onto my LJ account, even though I don't write in it often anymore. It's just sort of ... comforting.

Date: 2012-06-27 02:08 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
I'm glad to have been someone you shared a little bit of that with!

I miss so much about LJ, but you're right and it's becoming a ghost town. I'm still here, kind of trying to fight back against that. Partly, it's because I haven't found anything that really serves the same function and I feel like it's really left a certain hole to fill. Oh well.

It's been nice reading your words, and I wish you the best as you move on!

Date: 2012-06-27 02:59 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
I will most definitely miss reading what you write here, Joyce. While I do follow you on Twitter, that is not the same by far. I am glad to have called you a friend, even if only online, and I hope your life keeps treating you the way you deserve. I'll still be here, there and everywhere in my daily travels, so if you ever wanna talk, just let me know.


Date: 2012-06-27 03:39 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
I've enjoyed your company during the extremely limited occasions I've been able to see you, as well as reading all of your lovely entries. I'm glad you've come so far in life and are more secure in yourself than you ever were.

I won't see you on FB (that's a bandwagon I still refuse to jump on), but I'm reasonably sure our paths will cross again soon.

But let me tell you...even if they don't, you're someone I'll never forget. I love you dearly and glad I met you. Keep on taking care of're one of the most impressive people I've ever known.

Date: 2012-06-27 05:41 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
I think I came into your life right at a time when things were going from "a mess" to "things are starting to get better". I'm really quite grateful to know you and I'm proud of you for all of the work and travel you've accomplished.

I have a hard time seeing people process and process and spin wheels and attach labels to themselves... and never getting anything concrete accomplished. You've done the opposite of that. You took on every challenge and pushed through to become a better you. That is AWESOME.

I'm sticking to LJ though I have accounts pretty much everywhere else. I treat this place as the spot for things which are more personal and more completely developed than the stream-of-consciousness I put in other places. I hope that you'll stick around to read, as I enjoy sharing things with you and I value your insights.

Date: 2012-06-27 06:07 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
Livejournal is like a comforting old friend for me. I have it, and I log into it every couple of weeks just to say hello. While most of my posting has moved to my own personal site and to Google+, I still like to come on back here.

I suppose it's just the evolution of who you are. It's the evolution of me. As we all grow older, our lives change, and we begin to solidify the things that make us who we are.

When I first saw your posts here, I thought you seemed a little unsure of yourself, like you were walking up a rocky path without any good footings. You seemed afraid that with every little step you took, you'd fall down, down, down the hill...But you gradually took those steps, and with sure footing, you made it up the shitty path, to the place where you can see all around. You can take in that fresh air and feel that cool breeze on your face while you think about the tough climb that is now behind you.

I think there's a lot of things to be proud of in that achievement. Congratulations and see you in other places on the intertubes ;)

Date: 2012-06-29 03:44 am (UTC)From: [identity profile]
I think I just watched a butterfly take wing for the first time since leaving the cocoon.
It's beauty saw and I am happy to see it take wing.
And knowing that it is in the world will continue to give me joy.

I am better for having been along for this part of your journey, and I thank you for bringing me along for the ride.

Be well, Be happy, Do Good. *hugs*

I'll be here for a while, so you know where to find me.


Date: 2012-06-30 11:36 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
I do really miss hearing about your life. Are you posting anywhere today?


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Pandora Parrot

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